Jokes

[profbuldge]

Why did the condom cross the road?

>
>>
>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
.>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>.>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>
>>
>

He was pissed off!

[gunsofnavarone]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

[[UWS] Tassy]

Hey guns look on previous pages here mouhaaaaaaaaa ;D ;D

[gunsofnavarone]

OMG!!! I did read the previous pages, but I evidently missed that one. Oops. Sorry.
Thanks Tassy!

(Now I feel like a real idiot) But, I'm pretty sure (at this point more than 50%) that I didn't see this one on the previous pages:

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee.
We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take
the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped
him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck!

[lt]

my rebuttal to "things men say" by tassy

I'll tell you what we really mean if you want to know so bad...but I warn you, you may not like it.

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "Jesus I gotta get outta here...you're driving me fricking nuts."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "It doesn't involve a bunch of emotional crap, so just don't try to understand."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Oh my god, how do you screw up chicken...seriously?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR... "
Means: Shuddap.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "God, you're a moron."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I'm trying to hear the tv...shut up."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "Psshhh, you don't know what real work is...."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Wow, who gives a crap..."
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS. "
Means: "Wow, i forgot to give a crap...know why? CAUSE I DON'T GIVE A CRAP."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES"
Means: "How about a bj?"
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL. "
Means: "Oh yeah, cause we can really afford for me to go to the doctor, you moron."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "If men had to stop and explain themselves to women everytime we did something, we'd be in a world of @#%*."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "Find this for me, I've got better things to do."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "Are you on your period?"
"I HEARD YOU. "
Means: "What do you want ME to do about it?"
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "How about a bj?"
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "How about an hj then?"
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "Oh my God, if you don't shut up in 2 seconds, your ass is walking!!"
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make all the money while she sits around on her fat ass all day watching soaps and Oprah, then I come home to complaining about how I don't help enough around the house."

[gunsofnavarone]

This isn't a joke, but it IS a pretty humorous video! I don't if any you have seen it before, but check it out anyways:

"MEN IN COATS"

video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7331004459878009446

[lt]

crazy, i was just showing that to someone the other night...they have a cool act

[[UWS] Tassy]

;D Don't ever say that loves does'nt hurt hihihihihi



video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=fr-CA&brand=sympatico&vid=b0a7886a-8d95-4b83-ac97-10aa1d426229

[gunsofnavarone]

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed in an earthquake, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start an earthquake?" he asked.

[gunsofnavarone]

While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor suggests to him, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?’ Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds. Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is."

About a month later the man returns, and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?”

The man replies, "yes".

"How close did you get before she answered?"

"Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said "For the FIFTH TIME... WHAT?!?!?"

[gunsofnavarone]

And one more:

A poet and a scientist were traveling together on a plane. The scientist was bored and said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $5.

The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.

The scientist, who was really bored, tried again. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50."

The poet agreed. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the exact distance between the Earth and the Moon?"

The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question. He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist.

The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn."

The poet thought about this for a few minutes, then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"

The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. As the plane was landing the scientist gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill.

The poet accepted it graciously, getting ready to stand up. "Wait!" the scientist shouted, "you can't do this to me! What's the answer?"

The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.

[ultraspank]

Two boys were walking in the woods and came apon a Deep dark hole in the ground. The two boys were amazed that they couldnt see the bottom if this hole and started to look around for something to throw in it so they could see how deep it actually was. They threw a stick and a rock in and couldnt hear it hit. So they look around a little more and find a big tire, it took both of them to lift it up and toss it into the hole. While they were waiting to hear it hit bottom a Goat comes screaming by as fast as it could and dives in right after the tire. The two boys are astonished at what they just saw. Moments later a farmer frantically runs up asking the two if theyve seen a goat near by. The two say Yes we just saw a goat come running by us and he dove right into that hole! The farmer replies Well thats just impossible!! My Goat is Tied to a Tire!!

[JumpMasterG]

What does an Amish woman dream about?....

Two Mennonite!

[gunsofnavarone]

WORDS OF WISDOM (?):

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know him.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

And here is my personal favorite:

22. Never, ever, under any circumstance, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[gunsofnavarone]

Q: What does a Tennessee tornado and a Kentucky divorce have in common?

A: Someone's gonna lose a trailer!