Jokes

[sinz]

My fault Tassy........I am truly sorry for using that term. The context i used it in means the same as gross, shocking or horrifying to look at................sorry if i offended you in any way.We love you here and hope you stay!!!!!!

[[UWS] Tassy]

Thanks again guys for all your message, like I said, you have class and I mean it! subject close

[jackbootedthug]

Would hate to lose anyone from the forum with the best group of people I've found on the net. Hope you hang around.

[JumpMasterG]

VOTED BEST SHORT JOKE OF 2007

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father
said,
'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it.'
The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door with a

suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joe told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard
you
telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait
because
she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself
with a
$280,000 mortgage & no bike.

[profbuldge]

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D


kids got a point

[[UWS] Tassy]

;D ;D ;D For Trin and me hihihihi!





How do you drown a blond?
Put a scratch 'n' sniff at the bottom of the pool.

A blond and a brunette are walking along in a forest and the brunette says, "Oh look a dead bird."
The blond looks up at the sky and says, "Where?"

Why did the blond try to climb the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

Why do blonds not make good pharmacists?
Cause they can't fit those plastic bottles in the typewriter.

Why can't blonds make kool-aid?
Cause they can't figure out how to get 2 quarts of water into that little pouch.

What do you call a row of blonds?
A wind tunnel.

What do you get when you put a group of blonds in the freezer?
Frosted flakes.

[[UWS] Tassy]

Never trust a blonde with a gun lollllll





A golden-haired beauty down in the Bayou is walking past a shoe shop when she spies a gorgeous pair of hand-made alligator pumps. She goes inside and asks the owner for the price.

"$2000, ma'am" smiles the old gent.

"What!? I would never pay that much for a pair of shoes!" screeched the intelligently-challenged fair-headed female. "I'll just go catch me my own alligator!" With that she stormed out of the shop and down the street.

Several hours later, the elderly shopkeeper closed up, and left for home. Just outside of town, he came upon the yellow-locked woman standing out in a swamp in hip-waders, double-barreled shotgun in hand. He stopped in shock as he watched a very large gator swimming up behind the flaxen-crowned vixen.

Just before the lizard reached her, the honey-haired huntress whirled around and BOOM! BOOM! emptied both barrels into the hapless beast. She then slung the gun and grabbed the deceased reptile by its tail and started toward the bank.

Looking down, the septuagenarian shopkeeper noticed three other huge gators laid out side by side. Astonished, he watched the corn-coifed cutie toss the latest trophy next to the others. Just as he was about to congratulate her, she stomped her rubber-clad foot and burst into tears.



"Dammit, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[[UWS] Tassy]

A little one for Jump





As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School.

He was quiet and looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation. "Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.

He replied, "No, just a bit apprehensive."

I asked, "What's the difference??"

He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."

[profbuldge]

The Burglar and Jesus

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."


He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"


"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[[UWS] Tassy]

Things Men Say
Find out what may really mean when they say...
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

[crete]

I found this on one of the forums at Shotgunworld.com. I got a chuckle out of it and though others might enjoy it.



Oklahoma Marine



(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)



Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

[profbuldge]

Phone rings


"Hello?"



"Hi honey.



This is Daddy.



Is Mommy near the phone?"



"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."



After a brief pause,



Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."



"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."



Brief Pause.



"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."



"Okay Daddy, just a minute."



A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.



"I did it Daddy."


"And what happened honey?"



"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clot hes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"


"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"


"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.



But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."




***Long Pause***


***Longer Pause***


***Even Longer Pause***





Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?



Is this
486-5731?"



No, this is 486-5713.....



Opps sorry wrong number

[atomic]

jumpg said:

(Aint that so Atomic you $**#$!!!!) ;D

you love me because i wash my butt before smacking you in the head with it

[profbuldge]

This one's for Jump! ;D ;D ;D ;D

T'was the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest, And all of us
seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry. A
bed sock was taped to each walker;
in hope That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends, Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was sthingyed on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like "Where Are You Living?" And "What Are Your Names?"
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.
Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter.
A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
T'was just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.
We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had arrived.
We sang --how we sang -- in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out
its soft eight-p.m. stroke.
And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us, we wish you the best.

[JumpMasterG]

You're off my Christmas card list!