Jokes

[profbuldge]

I thought it'd be fun to get some jokes on here for all to share. ;D


An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began: "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that? " asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly ."

[atomic]

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

[JumpMasterG]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

[JumpMasterG]

One for us vets!!

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious
man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take
this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[JumpMasterG]

Subject: The Duck and the Lawyer



A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird,

but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor
and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and,

if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee.

We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick

you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take

the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped

him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.


The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck

[sinz]

Two gay guys walk into a bar. One looks at the other and says," What time is our Bobbert scrim?"..................hehehehe

[JumpMasterG]

Two gay guys walk into a bar. One looks at the other and says," What time is our Bobbert scrim?"..................hehehehe


Thanks....now I have to clean my lunch off my monitor!!!

We can lock the thread here, it'll get no funnier than this!

[daver201]

LOL, good one.

[Beek]

LoL, I don't know if your cramp but you sure are sick.

[sinz]

SICKO!!!!!!!

[Beek]

Tassy

What is Mdrrr? I've seen you post it a few times.

Beek


Was that Fardouche in the original pic?

[JumpMasterG]

totest said:

Tassy

What is Mdrrr? I've seen you post it a few times.

Beek


Was that Fardouche in the original pic?

Perhaps:

Mdrrr Fdrrr ;D

I'm guessing "My dear"? Oh those crazy Canucks!

[[UWS] Tassy]

Ok guys,
1- The expression Mdrrr (mort de rire) it's a french chat expression like lolllll .
2- No it was'nt Fardoche on that picture
3- Eighter I don't really but really get the meanning of some of you guys expressions, but to me SICKKO is mean!!!
4- I surelly did'nt want to upset anyone in here with that picture I post before for Jump on the contrary, I probably took it too personal again, It must be my french blonde side
but, for me it was just a picture showing a guy all messy with is food on the computer to refer to Jump memo, anyways I will continue playing on this server cause it's the best to me, it's friendly, attaching and more or like serious

But to be honest I will reconsider posting anymore message in here so long guys

[JumpMasterG]

Tassy, the term "sicko" used here is more playful than mean.
I think if somebody did not like something you or anyone else said we would make it VERY CLEAR !!!

Although a guy eating his own crap was pretty sick! ;D

Clearly there are some language barriers that all of us have some trouble understanding, but I'd suggest you ask what we are meaning before you take offense to it. I don't think anyone of the people on the forums would try to attack or offend someone on purpose. Many of us have played together enough to be able to playfully take jabs at each other and not be offended.

(Aint that so Atomic you $**#$!!!!) ;D

[Beek]

tassy said:

3- Eighter I don't really but really get the meanning of some of you guys expressions, but to me SICKKO is mean!!!
But to be honest I will reconsider posting anymore message in here so long guys

Tassy
If I offended you I'm sorry. I think you misunderstood what we were saying. Ayy

And by all means keep posting.